Friday, February 1, 2008

Crazy Love

Could you Love This Person?

(warning: spoiler, especially in the links)

Crazy Love: The marriage I will do anything to avoid.

One of the craziest love-abuse-marriage stories ever
. Seriously. A reminder that at this point, falling off the 'crazy' wagon for me is a neutral-friendly email, and all those thoughts about flat tires and spray-painted windows and bottles full of piss and disemboweled abdomens stay in my active little head, while this world is really full of genuine wackos passing themselves off as human beings, and in this case, more than getting away with it. I feel like I'm crazy when I get to feeling like Mr. Tehn but actually I don't hurt people except for mutual consensual pleasure and money and have never once contracted anyone to throw acid at any of the people who get new shiny girlfriends. Not once. This movie may elicit some hatred of men, I must warn you, especially if you are susceptible to that anyway. Or it may just boggle your gender-neutral mind, completely.

Regardless, when Irene and I left the video store today I showed her the cover and she said: "Looks like you. Both of them."
And I don't deny it. In fact I feel like the above picture is an accurate portrayal of about 70% of my personality and internal image. I've got many little people living in this Mer-cat (including a beautiful and demanding Princess that hasn't held court in far too long; a nurturing Mommy who cooks, cuddles, and reads aloud; a dapper vintage cad with a foppish hat and roguish cane; and a little hobbling naked imp covered in snake skins and dried glue) but this double image of femme glamour and intense wacky creep makes up the lion's share. The Burt Pugach part of the picture reminds me a lot of R. Crumb, a figure I have taken to relating to more and more over the last year (but only mostly because I am a notorious pervert with similar taste in women). Note the -weeesque bow tie. The Linda Riss side is the fancy lady from my photo shoots, though in fact she was a very nice girl and a virgin until her 30's. We have similar eyebrows.

Though the resemblance goes a bit deeper than appearances, or more accurately, self-image.
So while the story of these people horrifies me, as components of the psyche, I am fascinated with them. More than that, I recognize them as my own. I relate to both the drastic obsession and the appeal of being loved fanatically. I understand the dark barbed lure of insanity, the seductiveness of passion untempered by reason. These days I channel that urge mostly into art and BDSM and also the occasional harmless rant in my living room. Not as romantic as a heroin addiction, but easier to recover from and probably more sustainable. This is a picture of boundlessness, in wanter and wanted. Rumi always puts it in terms of the lover and the beloved.

As usual I am, and want, both.


Reg said...

"We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are."
Anais Nin

Though this is a slightly off but still a little on topic...

Pretty Lady Sadie…
Queen of the Mer-cat,
I wonder as you sit there twisting your tasty French vanilla mustache, smiling with those glitter deep red lips, your shinny black leather single tail whipping about, fancy cane in hand if you are wondering the same thing I am wondering...

Is there something in the air or in the water? Is some moon rising somewhere in Scorpios 27th umpteen house?
What force is driving some of us to first look deeper within ourselves for the love, acceptance and change we seek so desperately in other?
Why is it asking us to be open to the fears, pain, isolation and connection of love, we've so easily dismissed in the past.
And will it keep letting us kiss all these lovely, but warty, little toads we find along the way?

Let’s talk obsessive distractions….
Me: 15 drawings, patina the cover of my journal, conceptualized 5 barbed wire sculptures, agreed to let someone practice his Japanese bondage techniques on me (with no sex, cause men are just icky right now), some how added another 4 hours to my work week, and I did it all in the last two weeks.
In order to distract myself from the fact that I am no closer to the one I want or to being wanted, though it's not from a lack of patients or trying, that’s for sure...
But from what I’ve seen, you’re right, this kind of distraction is a hell of a lot easier than kicking heroin…
Honestly, I wonder, are there women many out there who are really interested in a relationship with someone who often feels both king and queen, takes control from the comfort of her own back seat, thinks and does things different than other people, is not normal and is okay with that, insists on feeling and dealing with the icky emotions (as the come up), and wants to play all parts…love, lover and beloved. Someone like you, someone like me.

Buona notte bella ragazza,


Sadie Lune said...

Well Reg,
I only wish my obsessions could be so useful. Fifteen drawings! Wow, I would love to be able to do 15 drawings in two weeks. My compliments to you for your artistic re-channeling, I am in awe and envy.
Also, you might want to read this:
It looks like no new love for February, but as long as I can finish the things that need to be finished and work towards my goals of lots of travel, I'm ok with that. I want the right love, and for me thats rarely the right now love.

Reg said...

Pretty Lasy Sadie,
I am in equally awe and envy your goal of doing lots traveling. It would be nice to feel free of the ties that bind. I hope you’re going somewhere great and I wonder if there will be amazing cemetery for you to defile.
You are one of those rare people with the patients to wait for the right love to enter her life, which I deeply admire.

I find myself excited and intrigued by your openness and complexity. Your Mer-cat ways continue to haunt me.

Well, since new love does not appear to be in the stars for us in February, maybe that will mean we have something to look forward to in March.